If only

          Sometimes I really do wish I just fit that mold, that haute couture model look... well hello captain obvious who doesn't want that? Actually I'm starting to be surprised that maybe not everyone does. I was talking with one of the girls that I was interning with at Zac Posen, about very skinny models on the runway. She herself is quite thin, so I was surprised when she thought very skinny models were creepy and unhealthy looking. Me being the curvy ( in all standards of the fashion industry extremely heavy) girl that I am, maybe it is strange that I find the models on the runway extremely breath taking and I am so envious of them. I crave to be thin like that. I want thighs that don't touch and arms that are delicate not flabby and yet here I am waiting for my mom to bring me home chicken strips... screw this why do I eat this junk ( frankly this is not a regular night normally I eat pretty healthy because my mom is an organic chef tonight is just busy) and not exercise if I really want to be that way I would make it a point to exercise like a mad women and and eat sprouts and berries. The issue that lies here is that with my eating disorder I have been there and done that already. I weight about 175 lb right now and am 5' 5''  ( this sounds very heavy i know but I also am a 36 DD so there is a lot of weight resting in those obnoxious boobs) but when my eating disorder was really bad I was below 150lb but I was not losing weight in the healthy way it was a struggle of not eating or barely eating and throwing up anything I actually let pass my lips. It was a terrible time and yet in some ways I crave it again because I felt lighter and better at that weight;. I guess I need to find a way to get back down to that weight without the eating disorders help... this is certainly not going to be easy because first I need to rid myself of the disorder as best I can and then I need to work on losing the weight in a healthy way