If only

          Sometimes I really do wish I just fit that mold, that haute couture model look... well hello captain obvious who doesn't want that? Actually I'm starting to be surprised that maybe not everyone does. I was talking with one of the girls that I was interning with at Zac Posen, about very skinny models on the runway. She herself is quite thin, so I was surprised when she thought very skinny models were creepy and unhealthy looking. Me being the curvy ( in all standards of the fashion industry extremely heavy) girl that I am, maybe it is strange that I find the models on the runway extremely breath taking and I am so envious of them. I crave to be thin like that. I want thighs that don't touch and arms that are delicate not flabby and yet here I am waiting for my mom to bring me home chicken strips... screw this why do I eat this junk ( frankly this is not a regular night normally I eat pretty healthy because my mom is an organic chef tonight is just busy) and not exercise if I really want to be that way I would make it a point to exercise like a mad women and and eat sprouts and berries. The issue that lies here is that with my eating disorder I have been there and done that already. I weight about 175 lb right now and am 5' 5''  ( this sounds very heavy i know but I also am a 36 DD so there is a lot of weight resting in those obnoxious boobs) but when my eating disorder was really bad I was below 150lb but I was not losing weight in the healthy way it was a struggle of not eating or barely eating and throwing up anything I actually let pass my lips. It was a terrible time and yet in some ways I crave it again because I felt lighter and better at that weight;. I guess I need to find a way to get back down to that weight without the eating disorders help... this is certainly not going to be easy because first I need to rid myself of the disorder as best I can and then I need to work on losing the weight in a healthy way

Why do we NEED to be thin?

               I don't get it, when was it that a paradigm shift happened in time that led to society ( especially in the fashion industry) to crave thin-ness? I am nineteen years old and my entire life I have dealt with other people criticizing my weight and the way that I look. Yet whenever I talk to people especially now they give me the same old bullshit you are beautiful the way that you are. Well guess what I don't want to be beautiful the "way that I am" I just want to be beautiful goddammit. I'm sick of society making it that, god forbid you are a size bigger than a 2 you are absolutely repulsive and should basically pick up the nearest snuggie you can find and hide in it until the day you die. When did this all happen? I know I'm young but seriously why is it that we all seem to look down upon people that are "heavy"? I can't even say that I don't do it myself, because I do. In my mind "fat" people are repulsive, gross, unmotivated, underachieving slobs. Why the hell do I think that? Do I know each of these people? Do I know what they are doing with their life? What they have achieved? What difference they are making in the world? Hell no! So how dare I make such rash assumptions about the people around me. Most if not almost all of these thoughts stem from my own personal grievances about the way I believe that other people perceive me. When I was in middle school I was picked on mercilessly by the other kids in my grade. This traumatized me and I nearly always came home and sobbed for hours. This teasing didn't stop there either it continued into high school as well. However the teasing and criticizing was not only coming from my peers but also from my family, teachers, doctors, etc... I couldn't catch a break. Once this "stopped" ( at least from my peers directly) I continued the vicious cycle within myself. I developed an eating disorder that stopped me in my tracks and nearly derailed everything. I dove into a deep depression that I still struggle with every day. The words that were shouted at me from every angle were internalized and although I'm not trying to blame other people for my disease, I sincerely do not believe that I would have developed such a condition if not for the harmful words that I grew up with. Sticks and stones  may break my bones but words will never hurt me? I think not.